A woman who raised five children largely as a single mother has described how she now misses the controlled chaos of her large family home. The author, who worked in television and Hollywood, had her life take an unexpected turn after marrying a Cambodian refugee and quickly starting a family.
Her journey into motherhood began with the birth of her first son after a cross-country move from California to Massachusetts while six months pregnant. She subsequently experienced two miscarriages before the birth of her second, and only planned, biological child. Her family grew to include three biological sons, an adopted daughter from foster care, and a final, unplanned son born when she was 42.
A Household United
When her husband left for good as her youngest was eight months old, she became a single mother in earnest. She credits her children with making the job easier, describing them as a "united front" who supported each other and her. Older children with driver's licences ferried younger siblings to activities, while others took on cooking, cleaning, and laundry duties.
"It was a blissful existence despite the circumstances," she wrote, reflecting on the period before her children began leaving for university. This managed chaos defined her daily life for years, a dynamic she says she loved, including "the constant activity" and even "the mess."
The Dispersal of the Family
The family dynamic shifted as the children grew up and moved away. Two attended universities within five miles of home, while two chose campuses in California. In anticipation of her youngest eventually settling on the West Coast, she sold the family home and moved west herself.
Her vision of replicating large family gatherings with her adult children has not materialised as often as she hoped. Despite four of her five children now living on the West Coast, only one resides nearby. Her son, who is the father of her two grandchildren, lives in New York.
Longing for the Past, Advice for the Future
The whole family has gathered together only once since the pandemic, for her youngest son's wedding. While she meets individual children and their partners when possible, bringing the "whole tribe" together is rare.
She now tells young couples considering large families that "this day will come for them, too." She warns that while they may enjoy the chaos of raising many children, those children will eventually disperse, making it challenging to maintain the bonds forged in youth.
Reflecting on her experience, she stated she sometimes wonders if having only one child would make this stage of life easier, but concludes it is not true. "I love the whole lot of them and can't imagine life without this crowd," she wrote.