A parent has described the conscious effort to stop giving unsolicited advice to her adult children, recognising that her instinct to guide them is no longer helpful as they mature. The realisation came during a conversation with her 20-year-old daughter, when she stopped herself mid-sentence from saying "You know what you should do?"
The mother of four explained that while her children have grown to need less advice, she has not grown out of wanting to give it. She spent approximately 15 years instructing them on basics, from teaching toddlers safety to guiding preschoolers through morning routines, and finds it a struggle to transition from parenting young children to parenting older teens and young adults.
A New Approach to Communication
In the recent incident with her daughter, the parent halted her advice and instead asked clarifying questions about the situation. "I apologized and told her that I was going to try not to 'should' her anymore," she stated. Her daughter reacted with suspicion, knowing this would be a difficult promise for her mother to keep.
The parent's new goal is to understand her children's struggles and objectives regarding work, school, or other issues without immediately offering her own opinion. She aims to demonstrate trust in their ability to make important decisions independently, while remaining available for encouragement and advice only when explicitly requested.
The Rationale for Stepping Back
The mother acknowledges that even if her children appreciated her advice as they entered adulthood, it is not ultimately beneficial for them. "They need to begin figuring things out on their own," she said, noting that she and her husband must transition to being supportive without constantly directing their actions.
She admits her advice is not always correct, citing her eldest son who lives independently and works in an unfamiliar industry. She recognises that her children possess more specific information about their own lives and that her protective instincts might lead to guidance that keeps them safe and close, rather than encouraging necessary independence, experimentation, and even failure.
Sometimes, she concludes, the most helpful action is to step back and allow them to find their own solutions.